Kaoru's Suicidal Nightmares
by mashfan4life
Summary: serie of oneshots that attempt to parody Kaoru's suicide. Degree of absurdity varies from somewhat serious to complete absurdity...
1. Chapter 1

A/n: take this as twincest if that's your thing or don't if it's not.

**disclaimer: .... these things do start to annoy after a while, don't they.... I don't own Ouran.**

Hikaru couldn't tear his eyes away from the scene in front of him. No matter how much he desperately tried to turn his gaze away.

He took a step closer. It was all so surreal, and he didn't like it one bit. He sucked in a shaky breath and walked, as calmly as he could manage, up to the open casket surrounded by flowers.

He clenched his teeth together, closed his eyes and took a deep breath trying to control his raging emotions. He could get through this, he told himself repeatedly before opening his eyes and forcing himself to look at what was in front of him.

He had thought he was ready but he clearly wasn't. The already pale skin made paler by the black silk lining of the casket, the neatly folded hands, the face, so identical to his own, that looked so peaceful it could be sleeping...

He couldn't stop the tears that came welling up, the single tear that slid down his cheek. He couldn't stop his trembling hand from reaching out to touch his twin's cheek.

He froze for a moment, his eyes shifting to the suicide note that was lying next to the casket. His trembling increased. He closed his eyes again and tried to make it all go away but it wouldn't. He couldn't calm himself down and the tears were now a constant flow from his closed eyelids.

He cursed under his breath, and muttered his twin's name.

Eyes shot open and Kaoru sat bolt upright with one glance at Hikaru.

"Hikaru?" he said, putting his hand on his twin's shoulder.

Hikaru, shook his head, eyes still closed, and stormed away furiously wiping at his eyes. Kaoru jumped out of the coffin following his angry twin.

"Kyouya!" he shouted at the teen who was only a few feet away. "I can't do this!"

"Calm down," Kaoru whispered from beside him, rubbing soothing circles on his back.

"You calm down!" he shouted.

Kyouya raised an eyebrow at him. "Look, I'm sorry Hikaru but it'll bring profits so, I'm sorry, but you'll have to suck it up and just do it."

Hikaru growled. "I can't! It's too real! I just can't take it!"

"That's my final word. The show must go on, as the saying goes," Kyouya said and started to walk away. "Besides, your reaction will seem very real."

"That's because it is real, baka! It's cruel of you to put someone through this!" Hikaru shouted after him.

Kaoru chased after Kyouya as Hikaru stood on spot, fighting to regain his composure.

"Kyouya, I'm really not sure this is such a good idea," he told him. "I mean, you saw it for yourself, Hikaru gets a little violent when he gets this upset."

"He's not that violent," Kyouya said dismissively.

"He's _trying_ to keep it together," Kaoru said, using all his will power to keep from becoming angry himself. It wouldn't solve anything. " I don't think he'll last all that long and, if he really breaks down, he'll probably break things."

Kyouya stopped for a minute before shrugging it off. "You guys can afford it."

Kaoru sighed. "Please don't put him through this," he said, pinching the bridge of his nose in a last attempt to keep himself from punching Kyouya in the face.

Kyouya stopped to think about it for a second. "He'll really break things?" he asked.

"You'll be lucky if he doesn't hit someone," Kaoru answered.

It was Kyouya's turn to sigh. "Fine, you guys don't have to do it," he said making a note in his book. "I'll see if I can convince Honey and Mori to do it and if not, there's always Haruhi...." With that he walked off towards the place where Honey was eating his cake.

Kaoru walked back to Hikaru. " You okay now?" he asked.

"I will be if we don't have to try _that_ again," Hikaru answered calmer now.

"We don't," Kaoru said with a smile.

"I bet Kyouya likes you, that's why he agreed," Hikaru grumbled.

"Stop being stupid and let's go get ready," Kaoru said starting towards the changing rooms.

Hikaru stopped him with a hand on his sleeve. "You won't....for real... right?" he asked meekly.

"And leave you behind? Never," Kaoru told him with a smile.

Hikaru sighed in relief. "Thank goodness. I never want to go through that again. I don't know what I would have done if it had been real," he said, walking with Kaoru towards the changing rooms.

"I love you too much to put you through that, silly," Kaoru said with a chuckle.

Hikaru laughed and swung his arm around Kaoru's shoulder. He looked at the empty casket one last time before looking away contently and kissing Kaoru's forehead.

"What was that for?" Kaoru asked.

"Being you," he answered with a smile. "And alive."

* * *

a/n: So this turned out a lot more serious than I had intended...

Here's the deal... I'm tired of people having my favorite character kill himself. XD My solution? A fanfic that basically parodies just that.

As mentioned, this was a little more serious than my original idea. This will probably be a series of oneshots that have little to nothing to do with each other, each having Kaoru's suicide as a main theme. They WILL be satires and are not meant to be serious angst stories. It's marked as complete because I don't really know when it ever will be, and each story is a oneshot, therefore each IS ended.

Let me know what you thought in a review! :)


	2. Chapter 2

a/n: I'm not very good at these, am I....?

**disclaimer: I still don't Ouran.**

Kaoru was sitting on the bathroom counter, tears streaming down his face as he stared at his reflection in the mirror. He looked down at his pale unmarked wrist and then at the razor blade in his opposite hand.

He shakily brought the blade near his wrist, closed his eyes and took a shaky breath. He was about to make the first cut when the door slammed open. His eyes snapped open and he turned to the bathroom door.

"Kaoru!" Tamaki came running in hysterically.

"Kaoru, what the hell do you think you're doing?" a cool voice said from the doorway.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" he snapped back at Kyouya. He turn back to the task at hand.

"Kaoru! You can't! Daddy won't let you!" Tamaki squealed running over and ripping the blade out of Kaoru's hands, cutting himself in the process. "Ow!"

Kyouya sighed and walked over to the blond to assess the damage. It wasn't serious.

Kaoru rolled his eyes and rummaged through the drawer for another blade. Honestly, he didn't have just the one. He looked over at Kyouya and Tamaki. Reassured that they were sufficiently distracted and that they weren't paying attention to him, he raised the blade to his wrist once more.

Just as he took a deep breath, ready to make the cut, he was interrupted once more.

"Kao-chan!" Honey ran over to him in tears. "Kao-chan! Don't do this!"

Mori walked over.

"Don't," he said, putting a hand on his arm and pushing it away from the blade.

Kaoru sighed. He really shouldn't have sent his suicide note in a text message to all of his friends. That had been stupid. It didn't give him enough time.

"I'm sorry," he said gravely, bringing his arm back up.

He closed his eyes, trying to forget about everyone watching him when he heard someone else come in.

"Geez people!" he said exasperated. "First of all, have none of you heard of knocking?"

"Kaoru, just stop," Haruhi said without coming in any further. "Hi everyone else."

Kaoru ignored her, set his jaw and determinately brought his arms back up, clenching his fist.

Haruhi sighed. "I'll go get Hikaru," she said tiredly and trudged out of the room.

Kaoru hadn't left Hikaru off the sending list but Hikaru wasn't known to keep his phone on him.

Moments later, Haruhi was back with Hikaru. Hikaru took one look around and sighed.

"Kaoru," he groaned.

Kaoru turned around to glare at his twin.

"I suppose you're going to tell me I shouldn't do this either? Well maybe that's what this is all about to start with. Maybe I'm tired of having you always tell me what I should and shouldn't do!" he said angrily.

"Kaoru," Hikaru frowned. He was going to continue but Kaoru didn't give him a chance.

"I'm tired of this stupid confining world. I'm tired of ALWAYS having to follow in your footsteps. I'm tired of things never going my way! I'm tired of always putting everyone else before myself! I just want a break from it all! Can't you guys just let a depressed suicidal teenager rest in peace for crying out loud! I'm so tired of putting up with-"Hikaru cut his tirade off by walking over and clamping his mouth shut.

"You watched it didn't you?" Hikaru reprimanded.

Kaoru just looked sheepish.

"I told you not to watch that movie!" Hikaru said angrily. "It gets you down and you do this every time!"

He took his hand off Kaoru's mouth. "There you go again! Ordering me around like you think I'm you I'm some possession! I'm so sick of-" The hand was back.

He waited a minute and when he could see Kaoru wasn't going to say anything, he took his hand away again and pulled Kaoru out of the room.

"Where are you taking me?" he asked irritated.

"To watch a romantic comedy. That perks you right up," Hikaru sighed as they disappeared from sight.

Everyone else kept staring at the door once they had left.

"You'd think Hikaru would have destroyed that DVD by now," Haruhi commented after a moment.

Kyouya sighed. "How many more times do you think we'll have to do this?" he asked.

"Don't say something like that! I hope we never have to do this again! "Tamaki exclaimed.

"And when are you going to learn to stay away from that stupid blade!" Kyouya said at his wits end. "You cut yourself EVERY time!"

Tamaki cowered away from him.

"Well, not the fourth time..." he said meekly.

"Um, I don't want to interrupt but...can we go? I was doing laundry," Haruhi asked.

"Yeah, we might as well," Kyouya said and with that, the host club minus two twins filed out of the Hitachiin mansion, crisis averted once again.

a/n: Review! :D


End file.
